IS-THIS-REAL-LIFE WATERMELON SALAD

So this one needs to prefaced by saying: It happened during Summer 2010. Any product of that time (including but not limited to recipes, events, conversations, relationships, and memories) are products not of reality, not of this world, but of pure glittering magical mystery. Like Christmas elves, unicorns, and the rolls on the back of JTIII's head.

As such, the following recipe doesn't so much include "measurements" as it does "stuff you throw in a watermelon and eat with a stolen Leo's fork." But the main point is yummy stuff, mixed with more yummy stuff, eaten out of a watermelon, = yummy.

Yummy stuff:
--Blueberries
--Feta cheese
--Spinach / lettuce of choosing
--Vinagrette (we had Raspberry. And it was fabulous.)
--Strawberries
Plus a watermelon.

So....

Get a watermelon. Half of one if there's only two of you living in your Village A and you can't find any friends that day. Cut it in half (assuming you do in fact have friends and bought a whole one). Cut around the edges of the watermelon, and down the curve in a delicate, nerve-racking procedure whose end goal is a hollowed out watermelon.

After you've cut along the entire rim and down the sides, make vertical and horizontal cuts to begin removing slices. One removed, cut each slice into bite-sized cubes. Or whatever. Just make a watermelon bowl.

Conratulate self on biggest accomplishment since high school graduation.

Fill your masterpiece with spinach (about 2/3 full), sliced strawberries, blueberries, and the cubes of watermelon. Top with vinagrette and mix with freshly hands. Wash them. Because you're germy.

Carry with pride to front lawn. Log hours and revel in knowing you were just paid to hollow out a watermelon.

**no pictures because we violently oppose pictures in the shorts**

AFRICAN DESPERATION CREPES

Once upon a time I was exiled to rural Ghana for a semester and was so hungry all the time I almost ate my roommate. Then I discovered crepes.

2 eggs (I’ve been using guinea fowl eggs, but you can opt for chicken eggs, I guess)

1 cup flour with a sprinkle of salt

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup water

2 tablespoons butter, melted

jam, cinnamon sugar, nutella, etc

Beat together the eggs and flour until smooth. Add milk and water and continue to stir. Finally, stir in butter. It’s going to be really runny, but that’s how it should be.

Make sure your frying pan is lightly greased and really hot before you scoop in some batter (about half a cup at a time) and tilt the pan around to get it thinly spread out. Cook for about two minutes on each side- the crepe should be a nice golden brown. My only African cooking utensil is a teaspoon, so I’ve found the best way to flip it is to flip the crepe onto a plate and then slide it back into the pan. While the second side is cooking, apply filling to one half, then fold and apply filling to one half, then fold again. It should be in folded in quarters and ready to eat! At this point, I dump butter and sugar on the top, but that’s because I’m a fatass.

You do you.

ITALIAN STUFF / THAT THING

Erin and I have been trying to come up with a name for this for the last year and a half. Nothing fits. It is, however, one of the most delicious (and healthy?!) dinners we had during our near-starvation summer, when both of us were spending only $30 a week on food. That meant lots of 88 cent boxes of pasta and 99 cent canned veggies. Desperate. Fucking. Times.

Italian Stuff happened when we just sort of threw everything we like best together and baked it with cheese, because we also like cheese.

half a box of ziti, bowties, or something fun

1 can cannellili beans

1 can diced tomatoes

1/2 cup frozen spinach, thawed and drained

1/3 cup olive oil

2 cloves minced garlic

1 package italian sausage

about a cup mozzarella

parmesan 

1/2 cup italian seasoned bread crumbs

Start boiling water for pasta, and in the meantime cook your sausage in a frying pan with olive oil. I know it’s gross, but use a knife to cut open the casing so you can just dump out the meat-parts. Trust me, it works better this way. Alternatively, use ground beef or turkey and season it liberally with salt, pepper, basil, and oregano. Use a spatula or fork to break up chunks and cook everything all the way through.

Cook and drain pasta according to the directions on box, and mix with olive oil and garlic. Drain tomatoes and cannaneli beans and mix those in with the drained pasta, as well as spinach and meat. Pour all of this into a casserole dish or something else that can go into the oven. Top with mozzarella cheese, then with breadcrumbs and a liberal sprinkle of parmesan. 

Depending on the quality of your campus appliances (ours was poor), bake in a 350 degree oven for 20 minutes until you get sick of waiting. You just want the cheese to get bubbly and the breadcrumbs to start browning, and you may want to turn the oven on broil for 2 or 3 minutes to get it there. 

TEQUILA PINEAPPLE

So. Yeah. Tequila again. It’s our favorite beach tradition, but has also made appearances at tropical parties. It’s quite popular, to the point that Melissa wrestled her football-playing neighbors to get it back.

1 pineapple

big knife

orange juice

tequila

straws

Cut off the top of the pineapple. Use the knife to saw around the perimeter of the pineapple and pry chunks out using whatever tools are at your disposal. The first time we did this, it took a spoon, a fork, a knife, and... chopsticks. Hint: the riper your fruit, the easier this goes. Leave as much juice in the pineapple shell as you can, and fill to about 2/3 full with orange juice. Fill the rest of the way with tequila. Using a chopstick, poke straw-holes in the leaf-part that you cut off. Top off your pineapple and enjoy!

STRAWBERRY BASIL MARGARITAS

So.... I have a thing for tequila. A big thing. And I consider it a little bit of a personal challenge to make everyone else tequila-converts, too. This recipe is perfect for doing just that. It’s a nice summery drink, ideal for picnics and sunbathing on the rooftop in front of prospective students and their families.

1 can frozen limeade

10-15 strawberries (or more, go nuts)

handful of basil leaves

gold tequila 

To a (ideally clear, because these are pretty) pitcher, add the frozen limeade with 2 1/2 cans of water and 2 cans of tequila. Less for the weak-hearted. Slice the strawberries and throw them in there, then crumple the basil and add that, too. The crumpling will help release the flavor. Stir vigorously and refrigerate. Give it at least an hour, if not more, and it will be lovely pink-colored and ready to drink!

TRIPLE LAYER BIRTHDAY CAKE

Nothing says “We’re better than the rest of your friends” more than a three layer personalized birthday cake.

Excessive? Yes. But go hard or go home.

CAKE

So for the actual baking part, you need two boxes of whatever cake mix you like best, plus however much oil/eggs/water go into that. Go ahead and mix up the batter following the directions on the box.

Now, seeing as how you’re not a professional baker and don’t own stacking cake pans, you’re going to have to improvise. The best way we’ve found is to use 3 different size pots, which you probably do have if your parents set you up right. Or... check with your neighbors. If you’re lucky, the handles won’t melt in the oven. Spray your three pots liberally with Pam and then divide your batter between them. Don’t separate it into thirds, just try to get the levels the same in every pot. 

For several reasons, including the fact that you’re using a pot and each layer is a different size, they’re not going to bake evenly. Start at about 20 minutes in a 350 degree preheated oven, and then check all the layers using a toothpick inserted into the middle (toothpick should come out clean if the cake is done). The smallest one will cook pretty quickly, the largest one might take up to an hour. Just keep checking ever 10 min or so. Remove the layers as they finish baking and let them cool completely before removing the cake.

Now, you can either ice it with whatever you’ve got around, like the one below with store bought vanilla frosting, or you can really go crazy.

FONDANT

you're going to have to write this one, hun, i still have no clue how you pulled this off. here's a picture though!

GEORGETOWN DAY BREAKFAST OF BOOZE

First, the inspiration: 

Second, the occasion: Georgetown Day 2011

Georgetown Day is... it’s better than Christmas. It is a day of pure joy and fun and friends, celebrated by drinking from sunrise til whenever you pass out that afternoon. Of course, any college student knows that a solid day of day-drinking begins with a well-balanced, alcohol-laced breakfast. And that’s where our boys at Epic Meal Time came in.

A sunrise booze banquet for our closest friends was a pretty big undertaking, and there was lots of prep time the night before, which I definitely suggest. HOWEVER, totes worth it, turned out pretty legendary.

We’ll start you out slow: MIMOSAS

You need cheap champagne and orange juice. Stock up on both. Half and half. Boom.

BEER WAFFLES

2 cups flour

12 oz Guiness

1/2 cup butter (1 stick) melted

1/4 cup milk

2 eggs, separated 

1 tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

chocolate chips

How to separate an egg for beginners: crack it in the middle, but don’t shatter it cause you actually need two halves of the shell. You kinda slide the yolk back and forth between the two shell halves, letting the egg white fall into a bowl below. The important thing is that no yolk gets into your white-bowl, otherwise they won’t beat properly.

Mix flour, beer, butter, egg yolks, milk, sugar, and vanilla.

In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until they have “stiff peaks,” which is to say they hold their shape when you make an egg white pyramid with your fork. Fold egg whites into the flour mixture gently.

Spoon into preheated and sprayed waffle iron. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top and close waffle iron. Cook until deliciously golden brown.

JACK DANIELS SYRUP

Half Jack, half Jemima. Or less if you want, we were just really getting after it.

BAILEY’S WHIPPED CREAM

For the ladies. Mix 2 tablespoons Bailey’s into a caup of heavy cream and beat until stiff. Don’t overbeat, or it’ll get nasty.

JELLO SHOT FRUIT

1 package Jello (orange or strawberry, because those are breakfast flavors)

1 pint strawberries

2ish oranges

1 cup vodka

1 cup water

First things first: prepare your fruit. For oranges, halve and hollow out so you just have the skin. Strawberries take a little more work. Wash them, then cut out the leaf-part so it’s hollow. To make it stand up, you have to slice a little off the bottom to make it flat. Be careful though because if you slice off too much, you’ll make a hole and the jello will seep out and you will just have.... a plain strawberry cut funny.

Make your jello. 1 cup boiling water mixed with jello powder. Wait for it to cool a bit so you don’t evaporate off the alcohol, then add 1 cup vodka. Using a spoon and a lot of patience, spoon jello into the hollowed out strawberries. I suggest standing them up in a brownie pan in case there’s a leak. When you’ve finished your strawberries, pour the remainder of your jello into the orange halves and put those in the brownie pan too. Put the whole thing in the fridge overnight to harden

In the morning, slice the oranges using the sharpest knife you own. Do this... before you start drinking. 

CANDIED BACON

Ok, this isn’t alcoholic. But it’s delicious. Line a pan with tin foil and arrange slices of bacon on top. Sprinkle brown sugar over the bacon slices. You’ll probably need 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of brown sugar, depending on your tastes and the amount of bacon you have. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes or until crispy.

GOLDSCHLAGER CINNAMON BUNS

Our friend Rennie came up with this one, and it was a delicious and surprisingly alcoholic.

1 package crescent rolls

1/2 cup sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon (or more, depending on taste)

3 tablespoon melted butter

goldschlager

1 cup powdered sugar

First, mix the butter, sugar, cinnamon, and about 2 tablespoons of goldschlager

Open the packages of crescent rolls and unroll them, but don’t separate the rolls where they’re perforated. Spread the cinnamon sugar mixture all over the crescent rolls and then roll the dough up into a long, tight... log.

You can put it in the fridge overnight, then slice into 1 inch cinnamon rolls when you’re ready to bake. Bake at 350 on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 min, but keep an eye on them so they don’t burn!

While they’re in the oven, mix 1 cup powdered sugar with about 3 tablespoons of goldschlager. You don’t want the icing to get too watery, so it’s probably best to do this in little doses so you get the texture right.

When the buns are out of the oven, stack them on a plate and pour icing over them.

AND THERE YOU GO. Breakfast of champions.