SQUASH-Y MUFFINS

Now, if my one week of medical education has taught me anything, it’s that we’re all eventually going to get diabetes and die. Especially if you have eaten anything documented in this blog. Actually, you’re probably developing insulin resistance with every sentence you’ve read.

Thus armed with a healthy dose of fear, this week’s stress-baking was sort of disturbingly healthy. But delicious, I promise. Don’t freak out.

Get a squash.

I used a carnival squash, and took this rather artsy picture below. But in general you want a sweeter one, butternut or acorn or a pumpkin or something. Other things you need:

1 tablespoon butter (That’s it! Super healthy!)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup white sugar

2 eggs

a generous spoonful of cinnamon

healthy sprinkle nutmeg

anddddd sprinkle ginger powder, why not? Add to taste, people.

1/2 cup oatmeal

2 cups flour

if you’re not using self-rising flour: 2 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp baking soda, 1/2 tsp salt

From a local farm, because now I do things like that.

Hokay, so first things first, you gotta cook that squash. I saw several different ways to do this- two of the most popular were 1) dicing/boiling and 2) roasting. I would have lost a finger if I tried to dice it, so I went with option number two. Cut it in half and scoop out the inside seeds and goop (like prepping a Jack-o-lantern). Spray some Pam on a baking sheet and put the halves hollow-side down. Roast in the oven at 350 for as long as it takes to watch an episode of True Blood on a unreliable internet connection (an hour? maybe?). You can put a pie plate of water in the oven at the same time. This keeps things hydrated and makes you seem professional.

When done, you should get about a cup of mashed squash. Mix in your butter, sugar, spices, and eggs. Let the batter cool a little before you add the eggs... you don’t want to accidently scramble them. Finally, mix in the oatmeal and flour/baking soda mixture. It’s going to be really, really thick batter- almost like cookie dough. This seems weird until you remember how much fiber you’ve crammed in there. Disturbingly healthy, I told you.  That’s like negative cholesterol.

Anyway, fill muffin tins about 2/3, and sprinkle some granola on top if you feel ambitious. Bake at 400 for 15 minutes, and don’t tell anyone they have vegetables in them until AFTER they’ve tried them. Trust me.

Noms^

its-this-or-my-thesis COCOA APPLE MUFFINS

Alright just roll with it. I could either sit down with a giant PDF full of Foucault and human rights law, or I could combine our lack luster ingredient shelves into Monday night calories of joy. Which are my really favorite kind. Of calories and of joy.

I'm literally going to make this up as we go, so here's your play by play. Rummage through your cabinets, find the magic bullet you shoved in there cause it was cluttering up your counter, and fill it with two small apples (cubed). And one... two... THREE.... APPLESAUCE!! Maybe when I'm still unemployed next year, Magic Bullet infomercials will hire me.

So put the apple sauce (should still have chunks) in a large bowl with an egg. Add 4 tablespoons of melted butter and 1 cup sugar. Now reconsider your plan when roommate proposes putting hot cocoa powder in the mix. And fuck it, this is your recipe, you do you. Add 1/3 cup hot cocoa powder. Seriously.

Realize you don't have Michael Buble's Christmas Album on. Put it on.

In another bowl, combine 1 and 1/4 cup of flour, 1/2 tsp of cinnamon, 1/4 tsp baking powder, and (ready for this?? I'm so excited), 1/4 tsp of chili powder! BOOM.

Add half the dry bowl to the wet, mix, then the other half, mix. Taste batter, notice it tastes like A CHAI LATTE. Squeal with glee and this unexpected turn of events. Put in muffins tins (greased or lined with paper) and bake on 375 for.... TBD. I'll get back to you.

**wait wait wait wait wait pretend to write paper wait wait wait**

Okay so it seems to take about 12 minutes. And they're yummy!!

AFRICAN DESPERATION CREPES

Once upon a time I was exiled to rural Ghana for a semester and was so hungry all the time I almost ate my roommate. Then I discovered crepes.

2 eggs (I’ve been using guinea fowl eggs, but you can opt for chicken eggs, I guess)

1 cup flour with a sprinkle of salt

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup water

2 tablespoons butter, melted

jam, cinnamon sugar, nutella, etc

Beat together the eggs and flour until smooth. Add milk and water and continue to stir. Finally, stir in butter. It’s going to be really runny, but that’s how it should be.

Make sure your frying pan is lightly greased and really hot before you scoop in some batter (about half a cup at a time) and tilt the pan around to get it thinly spread out. Cook for about two minutes on each side- the crepe should be a nice golden brown. My only African cooking utensil is a teaspoon, so I’ve found the best way to flip it is to flip the crepe onto a plate and then slide it back into the pan. While the second side is cooking, apply filling to one half, then fold and apply filling to one half, then fold again. It should be in folded in quarters and ready to eat! At this point, I dump butter and sugar on the top, but that’s because I’m a fatass.

You do you.

GEORGETOWN DAY BREAKFAST OF BOOZE

First, the inspiration: 

Second, the occasion: Georgetown Day 2011

Georgetown Day is... it’s better than Christmas. It is a day of pure joy and fun and friends, celebrated by drinking from sunrise til whenever you pass out that afternoon. Of course, any college student knows that a solid day of day-drinking begins with a well-balanced, alcohol-laced breakfast. And that’s where our boys at Epic Meal Time came in.

A sunrise booze banquet for our closest friends was a pretty big undertaking, and there was lots of prep time the night before, which I definitely suggest. HOWEVER, totes worth it, turned out pretty legendary.

We’ll start you out slow: MIMOSAS

You need cheap champagne and orange juice. Stock up on both. Half and half. Boom.

BEER WAFFLES

2 cups flour

12 oz Guiness

1/2 cup butter (1 stick) melted

1/4 cup milk

2 eggs, separated 

1 tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

chocolate chips

How to separate an egg for beginners: crack it in the middle, but don’t shatter it cause you actually need two halves of the shell. You kinda slide the yolk back and forth between the two shell halves, letting the egg white fall into a bowl below. The important thing is that no yolk gets into your white-bowl, otherwise they won’t beat properly.

Mix flour, beer, butter, egg yolks, milk, sugar, and vanilla.

In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until they have “stiff peaks,” which is to say they hold their shape when you make an egg white pyramid with your fork. Fold egg whites into the flour mixture gently.

Spoon into preheated and sprayed waffle iron. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top and close waffle iron. Cook until deliciously golden brown.

JACK DANIELS SYRUP

Half Jack, half Jemima. Or less if you want, we were just really getting after it.

BAILEY’S WHIPPED CREAM

For the ladies. Mix 2 tablespoons Bailey’s into a caup of heavy cream and beat until stiff. Don’t overbeat, or it’ll get nasty.

JELLO SHOT FRUIT

1 package Jello (orange or strawberry, because those are breakfast flavors)

1 pint strawberries

2ish oranges

1 cup vodka

1 cup water

First things first: prepare your fruit. For oranges, halve and hollow out so you just have the skin. Strawberries take a little more work. Wash them, then cut out the leaf-part so it’s hollow. To make it stand up, you have to slice a little off the bottom to make it flat. Be careful though because if you slice off too much, you’ll make a hole and the jello will seep out and you will just have.... a plain strawberry cut funny.

Make your jello. 1 cup boiling water mixed with jello powder. Wait for it to cool a bit so you don’t evaporate off the alcohol, then add 1 cup vodka. Using a spoon and a lot of patience, spoon jello into the hollowed out strawberries. I suggest standing them up in a brownie pan in case there’s a leak. When you’ve finished your strawberries, pour the remainder of your jello into the orange halves and put those in the brownie pan too. Put the whole thing in the fridge overnight to harden

In the morning, slice the oranges using the sharpest knife you own. Do this... before you start drinking. 

CANDIED BACON

Ok, this isn’t alcoholic. But it’s delicious. Line a pan with tin foil and arrange slices of bacon on top. Sprinkle brown sugar over the bacon slices. You’ll probably need 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of brown sugar, depending on your tastes and the amount of bacon you have. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes or until crispy.

GOLDSCHLAGER CINNAMON BUNS

Our friend Rennie came up with this one, and it was a delicious and surprisingly alcoholic.

1 package crescent rolls

1/2 cup sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon (or more, depending on taste)

3 tablespoon melted butter

goldschlager

1 cup powdered sugar

First, mix the butter, sugar, cinnamon, and about 2 tablespoons of goldschlager

Open the packages of crescent rolls and unroll them, but don’t separate the rolls where they’re perforated. Spread the cinnamon sugar mixture all over the crescent rolls and then roll the dough up into a long, tight... log.

You can put it in the fridge overnight, then slice into 1 inch cinnamon rolls when you’re ready to bake. Bake at 350 on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 min, but keep an eye on them so they don’t burn!

While they’re in the oven, mix 1 cup powdered sugar with about 3 tablespoons of goldschlager. You don’t want the icing to get too watery, so it’s probably best to do this in little doses so you get the texture right.

When the buns are out of the oven, stack them on a plate and pour icing over them.

AND THERE YOU GO. Breakfast of champions. 

THE EASIEST MUFFINS EVER

For realz. They’re fool proof.

1 ripe banana stolen from your dining hall

1 egg with enough milk to bring the total volume to 1 cup

1/2 cup butter (1 stick)

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 1/2 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

Mix all ingredients together. You’re supposed to use a mixer at medium speed, but we didn’t have that sort of technology. Mashing with a fork works just as well, provided the butter has softened a little bit and the banana is ripe. Mix well, and pour into muffin cups or whatever they’re called in a muffin pan. You want the muffin-cup-things to be about 2/3 full so they won’t overflow. Bake at 350 for about 12-15 minutes, or until nicely golden brown on top.

You can also convince people you know multiple muffin recipes by messing around with this one. Use whole wheat flour, or add chocolate chips or walnuts. If you mix a couple of tablespoons of dry oatmeal with cinnamon and sugar, you can sprinkle it on top before you bake it. Sometimes I sprinkle sugar on top just so they sparkle.