DC CAKE MASTERPIECE

It happened! We graduated! Here is photo evidence if you don't believe me:

Right?! None of us saw it coming, either.

And I know what you're thinking. "Now they're all grown up and must have money and real things now." But for your sake, readers, Melissa took out millions of loans and just started medical school, and Erin is flying off to the desert to teach adorable kiddies in Bahrain. So you can rest assured things are going to stay weird for awhile.

In honor of our home for the last 4 years, and also Marc's long-awaited 21st birthday, we decided to attempt a Washington, DC cake. Here's what you're going to need:

1 box cake mix, and necessary ingredients
shredded coconut
2 cups white icing of your choice
assorted colors food coloring (blue and green, specifically)
sprinkles (blue and silver... because that's what we had leftover from the Pep Rally)
rice crispy treats... approximately 8, I think
toothpicks
crushed cocoa crispies (for dirt, there's a lot of other possibilities depending on what you've got around)
1 cup light corn syrup
1 cup shortening
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 pounds powdered sugar
(or buy fondant instead of the last 5 ingredients, but that's no fun)

This cake will require some time, so hide your work phone under your bed and ignore any short-tempered texts from Bossman Brian. First, one of you should mix up and bake that cake (in a brownie pan). You can get whatever cake you want, as it will be entirely covered in scenery. We used chocolate because we're very literal, and that's dirt-colored. Your other half should be busy fondant-making. Mix the corn syrup, shortening, salt, and vanilla together, then slowly mix in all of the powdered sugar. It will be difficult, and you will eventually throw up your spoon, yell "I'm doin it live!" and plunge your hands into this diabetes-inducing concoction. When mixed, put down a sheet of parchment paper sprinkled with powdered sugar, and roll it out using a sugared up wine bottle or rolling pin of your choice. The idea is to get it 1/8" thick, but just get it as thin as you reasonably can.

Show the fondant who's boss. 

While the fondant is being born, sculpture time! For the Washington Monument, cut 4 or 5 (I honestly don't remember, just get it to scale) rice crispy treats in half, and mash each half into a square before stacking them. Pack pretty firmly, you don't want it to crack halfway through the night's festivities. Use a knife to cut the pyramidal top, and create the sloped sides by using a table and some creativity. Lincoln is much more straightforward: 1 rice crispy, with a flattened half on top for the roof. Reinforce your architectural feats with toothpicks

#holycraphowisthisactuallyworking

These will need to be covered in fondant, which is both scary and arduous. We're clearly not professionals, but it worked well for us to drape sheets of fondant and then press them into place. Use a flat utensil (like this here knife) to smooth things out and erase fingerprints. For Washington, use a toothpick to outline bricks. For Lincoln, roll out 12 columns (4 front and back, 2 on each side). It's probably best to put these suckers on before doing the roof, because then you can drape the roofpiece over them and make it look like they're inside. Set the monuments aside when they're done, because you need to landscape first!

The key aspects of the landscape are grass, dirt, and water. Trace out where the Reflecting Pool is going first, and divide your icing into about 1:3 ratio for water:grass. Use food coloring accordingly. I thought it was easier to make the blue icing in a ziploc bag, because piping it makes it easier to control, and I added blue sprinkles into the water because I felt like it. Also for grass, dye some coconut green in a ziploc bag. Start at the outside with your green icing, and then pipe the blue icing into the reflecting pool (this order makes it easy to cover up mistakes in your Reflecting Pool!). Use a knife to make waves in the blue icing so people know it's water. And more sprinkles, always. Next, add the grass/coconut. Finally, use the crushed cocoa crispies to line the path around the water. It's easiest to do this with a spoon, and pour away from the blue icing. It's ok if some dirt ends up in the grass, it's an absolute disaster if it ends up in the water.

When the landscaping is complete, shove approximately a million toothpicks into the bottom of your monuments, and shove 'em in there. If the edges of the cake slope down, you might need to use some more rice crispy treat to prop it up. That's fine, just cover it up with some more coco-grass and you're fine.

I forgot! Make a reflection with the silver sprinkles! Reflecting Pool!!!!

Also, as always, enjoy with lots of friends!

Happy 21st!!!!!!!

JUICE CUSE ORANGE-GINGER CHICKEN

Crackden is making a concerted effort to include real-life recipes, not just our typical alcohol-laced-chocolate-filled-emotional-eating sort of recipes. THAT SAID, what is a girl to do when her roommates all have plans but you don’t just want... soup.... for dinner? 

Well, naturally, I started by burning the Rice-a-roni. Because I can make Ratatouille from scratch (I should do this for you guys, it’s yummy), but fuck if I can ever get the boxed pasta to work. But, while that was smoking on the stove, I invented some really good Asian-ish chicken to accompany my solo Grey’s Anatomy marathon. Improvise, but try to get the following, and obviously adjust amounts if you actually have friends.

1 chicken breast

about 3/4 cup flour

half a spoonful ginger powder

1 or 2 cloves of garlic (personal preference)

sprinkle red pepper flakes

a few tablespoons sesame seed oil (totes worth getting if you do Asian food at all, otherwise whatever oil you’ve got)

a few tablespoons soy sauce

about 1/2 cup orange juice

...and I had pineapple juice, so I threw that in there, too

oil for frying

peppers or broccoli or whatever veggies you enjoy

Look at the size of this mofo. A lonely girl could be fed for a week!

For the sake of our cooking philosophy, I’m going to reiterate that measuring is way less important than taste testing. Loosen up, people.

Dice the chicken and throw it in a bowl with the flour, using your hands to coat each piece evenly, and let it sit for a minute before you throw it in the pan to start frying. Waiting helps the breading “set” and not fall off during cooking. I can’t remember if I read that somewhere, or if I made it up, but it can’t hurt.

While it’s frying, grab another bowl and add your ginger, garlic, and red pepper. Do NOT accidently dump the entire pepper thing in, because this, believe me, will make it waaaaay spicier than you originally intended. Mix in your oil, followed by the rest of the ingredients (except veggies). Taste test, and adjust to your liking.

When your chicken is cooked, remove it from the pan and throw your sauce in there on high heat. It will bubble a lot, and should get thicker pretty fast. If, after a few minutes, it’s still too runny, beat in a cornstarch/water or flour/butter mixture.

When it thickens up, reduce heat and add your chicken and veggies, mixing well to coat. When vegetables are suitably cooked, transfer to a plate and marvel at your own genius. Enjoy Grey’s, and don’t worry, your roommates will be home soon.

I remembered to take picturessssssss

GINGERBREAD FRIENDS

We’re uncommonly blessed by Alissa’s fetish for cake decorating, which has provided us with baking tools heretofore unknown to mankind/ErinandMelissa. Did you know they have markers to draw on cookies?? They do. So gather all the decorating bits and pieces you’ve got, and you will also need:

3 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
2 teaspoonfuls ground ginger
1 large spoonful cinnamon
a couple shakes ground cloves
a couple shakes nutmeg
1 stick butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg

Mix your flour / salt / baking soda / spices in one bowl, and beat together sugars / butter, and then egg, in another. Combine bowls. Mush the cookie dough into a ball, cover it, and put it in the refrigerator overnight. 

Now is the messy part. If I were you, I’d put down a lot of wax paper onto whatever surface you’re working on, then sprinkle a couple of spoonfuls of flour onto said surface and spread it out. Now I know there’s no chance in hell you own a rolling pin, so wash the outside of an empty wine bottle out of your recycling pile, thoroughly dry, and flour the wine bottle.

I’m not fucking with you. 

Use the wine bottle to roll out the dough until it’s about 1/4 inch thick, sprinkling more flour as necessary to keep things from getting too sticky. Flour a cookie cutter, and cut out gingerbread people! Or, dip a knife in flour and freehand it, but that’s awfully ballsy. Bake those bad gingerboys for about 12 minutes. It depends on the size of your cookie cutter, but the edges should start to brown and the centers should be firm.

OK now decorate! Let the cookies cool completely, cause otherwise the icing will melt and you’ll be sad. You can use icing with those fancy decorating tips, or you can use tubs of icing or the recipe below:

2 cups sugar, 1 stick butter, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 1 1/2 tablespoons milk. Beat it up. Like, really.

Anyway, if you don’t have fancy decorating tips, load up icing into a ziploc bag, close it (obvi), and snip a tiny bit of the corner. You can also divide up icing and make different colors by adding a few drops of food coloring. If you run out of ideas for decorating, scroll through facebook.

Or, pick your favorite celebrity. Say a basketball player you’d love to marry.

Please come back, Chris.

Hands down the creepiest thing I've ever done.

GEORGETOWN DAY BREAKFAST OF BOOZE

First, the inspiration: 

Second, the occasion: Georgetown Day 2011

Georgetown Day is... it’s better than Christmas. It is a day of pure joy and fun and friends, celebrated by drinking from sunrise til whenever you pass out that afternoon. Of course, any college student knows that a solid day of day-drinking begins with a well-balanced, alcohol-laced breakfast. And that’s where our boys at Epic Meal Time came in.

A sunrise booze banquet for our closest friends was a pretty big undertaking, and there was lots of prep time the night before, which I definitely suggest. HOWEVER, totes worth it, turned out pretty legendary.

We’ll start you out slow: MIMOSAS

You need cheap champagne and orange juice. Stock up on both. Half and half. Boom.

BEER WAFFLES

2 cups flour

12 oz Guiness

1/2 cup butter (1 stick) melted

1/4 cup milk

2 eggs, separated 

1 tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

chocolate chips

How to separate an egg for beginners: crack it in the middle, but don’t shatter it cause you actually need two halves of the shell. You kinda slide the yolk back and forth between the two shell halves, letting the egg white fall into a bowl below. The important thing is that no yolk gets into your white-bowl, otherwise they won’t beat properly.

Mix flour, beer, butter, egg yolks, milk, sugar, and vanilla.

In a separate bowl, beat the egg whites until they have “stiff peaks,” which is to say they hold their shape when you make an egg white pyramid with your fork. Fold egg whites into the flour mixture gently.

Spoon into preheated and sprayed waffle iron. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top and close waffle iron. Cook until deliciously golden brown.

JACK DANIELS SYRUP

Half Jack, half Jemima. Or less if you want, we were just really getting after it.

BAILEY’S WHIPPED CREAM

For the ladies. Mix 2 tablespoons Bailey’s into a caup of heavy cream and beat until stiff. Don’t overbeat, or it’ll get nasty.

JELLO SHOT FRUIT

1 package Jello (orange or strawberry, because those are breakfast flavors)

1 pint strawberries

2ish oranges

1 cup vodka

1 cup water

First things first: prepare your fruit. For oranges, halve and hollow out so you just have the skin. Strawberries take a little more work. Wash them, then cut out the leaf-part so it’s hollow. To make it stand up, you have to slice a little off the bottom to make it flat. Be careful though because if you slice off too much, you’ll make a hole and the jello will seep out and you will just have.... a plain strawberry cut funny.

Make your jello. 1 cup boiling water mixed with jello powder. Wait for it to cool a bit so you don’t evaporate off the alcohol, then add 1 cup vodka. Using a spoon and a lot of patience, spoon jello into the hollowed out strawberries. I suggest standing them up in a brownie pan in case there’s a leak. When you’ve finished your strawberries, pour the remainder of your jello into the orange halves and put those in the brownie pan too. Put the whole thing in the fridge overnight to harden

In the morning, slice the oranges using the sharpest knife you own. Do this... before you start drinking. 

CANDIED BACON

Ok, this isn’t alcoholic. But it’s delicious. Line a pan with tin foil and arrange slices of bacon on top. Sprinkle brown sugar over the bacon slices. You’ll probably need 1/2 to 3/4 of a cup of brown sugar, depending on your tastes and the amount of bacon you have. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes or until crispy.

GOLDSCHLAGER CINNAMON BUNS

Our friend Rennie came up with this one, and it was a delicious and surprisingly alcoholic.

1 package crescent rolls

1/2 cup sugar

1 tablespoon cinnamon (or more, depending on taste)

3 tablespoon melted butter

goldschlager

1 cup powdered sugar

First, mix the butter, sugar, cinnamon, and about 2 tablespoons of goldschlager

Open the packages of crescent rolls and unroll them, but don’t separate the rolls where they’re perforated. Spread the cinnamon sugar mixture all over the crescent rolls and then roll the dough up into a long, tight... log.

You can put it in the fridge overnight, then slice into 1 inch cinnamon rolls when you’re ready to bake. Bake at 350 on a greased cookie sheet for about 15 min, but keep an eye on them so they don’t burn!

While they’re in the oven, mix 1 cup powdered sugar with about 3 tablespoons of goldschlager. You don’t want the icing to get too watery, so it’s probably best to do this in little doses so you get the texture right.

When the buns are out of the oven, stack them on a plate and pour icing over them.

AND THERE YOU GO. Breakfast of champions.